A short and to the point spiral about a family of therapists.

 My mom was a social worker. Her sister is a therapist in private practice. I am a therapist and work at a private practice. What does this mean? It means I had a private convo with Aunt J about my mom. What did we do? Diagnosed my mom, of course! Do I diagnose my clients? Fuck no! oops!

For the past decade, my mom has fallen deeper and deeper into unreasonable-ness. She lashes out, she sounds paranoid, she can't remember things, she thinks everyone is against her. The list goes on. When I hear the things that come out of her mouth, It baffles me that she was once a social worker. I'll leave it at that. (yes she has been tested for dementia, no she doesn't have it) 

I'm not very close to my aunt. In fact, this evening was the first time we have ever had a one on one phone conversation, and I haven't seen her in person in seven or so years. Nevertheless, the hours swiftly passed by as we bonded over my mom. Before I could say it, she took the words out of my mouth: "I really hate to be clinical and diagnose her like this (I know it's bad to diagnose your family) but it really seems like she has narcissistic and borderline personality disorder." These diagnoses come with such incredible stigma. All personality disorders are deeply misunderstood and misused in the zeitgeist. Nevertheless, I can't stop using it as a way of coming to understand my mom. 

Whenever I talk to my mom, a special flavor of overwhelm and anxiety prompts me to start taking on what I imagine my mom might be feeling like. I start feeling disoriented and foggy. I start feeling scared, weak, and alone. Do I know this is how my mom feels? LOL fuck no I don't! But mr. overwhelm and Mx Anxiety reaaaalllly want me to be sure of it. Next, my good ole brain comes in and makes me wonder, "am I just like my mom? What If I'm just like my mom and I have no idea? Okay, I'm not just like my mom YET, but what if I become exactly like my mom as I grow older?! 

Somehow my brain, as brains are known to do, debates itself into logic. But anxiety and overwhelm aren't so easily convinced.